8 Ways to Let Go of Bitterness Against Your Spouse

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1. Forgive Because God Forgives Us

First and foremost, because God forgives us, we really have no excuse or justification to hold bitterness against our spouses. Jesus instructs us in Mark 11:25, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

As well, as Jesus forgave the people who crucified Him, we need the same kind of attitude when it comes to our spouses. More often than not, they don't know how their words and actions, or lack of them, are hurting and tearing us apart.

As He prayed on the cross, "Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up His clothes by casting lots.'" (Luke 23:34)

2. Ask God to Help Us Let Go

Let's face it, none of us can let go of bitterness without God's help. As Proverbs 14:10 describes, "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy."

Our fallen human nature thrives on holding onto bitterness and a lot more. However, because of Jesus' death and resurrection, we have been given the ability to overcome bitterness and resist the sin of holding onto it.

As Romans 6:14 assures us, "For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace."

3. Examine Ourselves

It's good to examine ourselves, honestly looking to see if we've planted and cultivated bitterness that has grown within our hearts and in our relationships with our spouses.

As Acts 8:23 explains, we may not realize how bitterness against our spouses has invaded our lives and caused sinful behavior towards them, "For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin."

If discovered, our next step is to repent and let go of bitterness, casting it off, as 1 Peter 5:7 instructs, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

4. Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Many of us enter marriage with unrealistic expectations, believing certain things about how our spouse will behave, provide for us, and treat us in our marriage. Expectations are usually unusually high, including ones they couldn't possibly meet or fulfill. Because expectations of entering marriage can be unrealistically high, there is often no place to go but down.

Unrealistic expectations can fall apart rather quickly in marriage, and bitterness can enter a relationship rapidly, causing us to start keeping a tally of disappointing, unfulfilled expectations from the outset, as soon as we say "I do."

It's vitally important for couples to evaluate the expectations they bring into their marriages and to let go of unrealistic expectations, listening to and following what Hebrews 12:15 warns, "See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."

5. Resist Letting Bitterness Lead Our Actions

Abigail in the Bible is an example of a spouse who didn't let bitterness lead her in responding to her husband or on his behalf, especially when his life depended on it.

1 Samuel 25:3 describes the situation where Abigail, as a wife, found herself. "His name was Nabal and his wife's name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband was surly and mean in his dealings—he was a Calebite."

When David and his men camped near Nabal's land, he respectfully asked if he and his men might share in Nabal's harvest. However, Nabel was outraged by David's request, sending back insults, which infuriated David.

When Abigail was told how her husband's insulting of David was leading to their entire household being slaughtered because of his disrespectful behavior, she didn't let bitterness lead her.

Abigail could have seen it as her way out of a difficult marriage, an opportunity to be freed from her cruel husband. Yet, she didn't let bitterness lead her; instead, she cared more for her household and their well-being than for herself, doing what she had to do to keep the peace and prevent David from attacking.

Rather than abandoning her husband at his most vulnerable time, she chose to fulfill her God-given role as a helper to him, recognizing his weaknesses and doing what she could with the strengths God had given her.

6. Throw Away Our Scoreboards

Bitterness is something that builds up, like adding points to a scoreboard in a sports game, adding up offenses, slights, and sins against us. But God calls us to let go of all bitterness, which means getting rid of our personal scoreboards where we keep adding points.

As James 3:14 explains, "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth."

As a spouse, we need to see if we are keeping a running scoreboard that's totaling to bitterness. If so, we want to take steps to tear it down, stop keeping score, and begin each day anew with our spouse.

7. Do the Opposite of What Bitterness Is Urging Us to Do

Bitterness tells us to withhold things from our spouse, such as affection, words of encouragement and praise, and meeting their needs through physical and emotional nourishment. Spouses often keep things from their husband or wife that they feel they are not receiving from them. This only serves to deepen the bitterness and division between them.

When the urge to withhold from our spouse, although we may not feel like it or want to do it, we can choose to do the opposite.

Rather than hold back from them, we can choose to "Kill them with kindness." Even though the act of doing so can seem tiring and feel as if it isn't really accomplishing anything in our spouse's life, it helps us to let go of the bitterness we're holding against them.

How we treat our spouses teaches them how to treat us.

As Paul teaches about God's dealings with people in Romans 2:4, "Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?"

8. Choose Influence Over Bitterness

For women who have husbands, God holds us responsible for how we respect, view, and influence our spouses. In our desire to be godly, there is no place in our lives for bitterness against our husbands.

Although some may balk at what God's Word says, we want to agree with and align with what He says, "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, His body, of which He is the Savior." (Ephesians 5:23)

Additionally, we want to acknowledge the influence God gives us in our role as wives. Many women underestimate the gift of persuasiveness that God gives us, especially in influencing our spouses. It's so powerful that it can turn the hearts of our husbands away or towards God.

As 1 Peter 3:1-2 explains, "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."

Yet, mistakenly, even some Christian women get caught up in focusing on their own outward appearances over their inward godliness, becoming angry if their husbands aren't noticing enough or praising them for how they look and keep in shape. But rather than listening to the world's counsel, we want to turn to God's word and believe what He says.

Although most women may not believe it, inward godliness is indeed much more powerful, persuasive, and appealing to their husbands than outward beauty. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" (1 Peter 3:3-4).