New Life LIVE: July 9, 2026

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.
Brian Perez: Hey everyone, thanks for joining us today on New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and today's show is made possible by the generous support of our listeners and viewers. So thank you so much for your contributions. We've got some great calls coming up. I see Lori and Lindsay and Talitha here in the studio to answer your questions. We've got licensed marriage and family therapist, Chris Williams, as well as clinical psychologist, Dr. Jill Hubbard. Always good to be here with you guys. Jill, what's on your mind to start us off?
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Hey guys. Well, I have a couple of things on my mind, and hopefully they somehow fit together. The need for community in all its imperfection, as well as what drips and pours consistently into our lives. These thoughts often stem from reflecting on life that has just recently passed. We all celebrated the 4th of July. This year, I decided to do a barbecue, which I've done often in different years. It's always going to start out small, just a few people, and then it grows. It gets close to time and then people cancel, then other people show up. It's always quite interesting.
Chris Williams: Who doesn't want to be a part of a Jill Hubbard barbecue? I know, really.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: There's a cast of characters that come. There's the friend that's the germaphobe and almost can't come. There's the person that comes at the end with the appetizer, the dessert person that cancels, the socially awkward person that ends up being the life of the party. Literally, I had people show up I thought were at the wrong party. I didn't know them. My friend that helped me the most is not in one picture. When you have a community and you've known people a long time, which is a wonderful thing, you know all of their flaws and shortcomings. There go I as well; I have my own idiosyncrasies. A party is about giving a gift to others, and in turn, you get the gift of their presence. It was really one of those times of just whoever shows up, whenever they show up, however they show up, we're here. It's fine, and all of it is okay. The expectations were just that we're going to enjoy and have fun. In the midst of everyone who was there and who showed up and we were enjoying, it was interesting because all of a sudden, there is a big crash. A bench, one of my picnic tables, the legs went out and it collapsed. My dad was sitting there and he fell. Everyone gathered around and rallied and were helping him. Fortunately, he's okay, but it was a little bit scary. What I realized is this bench has had the constant drip of the sprinklers hitting it. There was dry rot in this bench. Week after week, year after year, what was dripping into this bench was tearing it down and destroying it. I think about what drips into our lives. What pours into our lives? A lot of my imperfect friends pour into my life, and that is so perfect. I love it. It's so great, and we need that. Think about what's the constant drip that's in the back of our minds. Is it negative thoughts, self-doubt, and all the things that tear us down and destroy our connections and keep us from coming to the party? So, it's some things to reflect on.
Chris Williams: That's really good. That was really good. Be assured, Jill, next year Chris and I are going to crash your party for the 4th of July, so I'm just letting you know. We'll be there at the very end with appetizers.
Brian Perez: We'll be right back with your phone calls on New Life Live.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: We value everyone watching and listening to New Life Live, as well as people who call in and their deepest moments of pain and distress. Right now we're going to talk to Robert in Boyertown, Pennsylvania, listening on WBYN. Hey Robert, thanks for calling in today. How can we help you?
Robert: I wanted to know, I suffer with depression. I've been suffering for about 14 years. I've also tried committing suicide 11 times. It wasn't by using drugs or weapons; it was by driving erratically. I just didn't feel like I would want it, or I just felt rejected, and it just built up inside of me really bad. I didn't know how to get out of it and what to do.
Brian Perez: Robert, have you seen a doctor about this or been put on any medication or seen a counselor about this?
Robert: I have been on medication. I'm not sure exactly, I don't remember what medication it was, but what it did is I gained weight from it. It messed my breathing up to where I can't talk as much as I used to without getting out of breath.
Brian Perez: Have you ever gone to therapy or counseling to address the depression?
Robert: I am going right now. I'm seeing somebody from the Boyertown Multi-Service who I've been seeing for the past few weeks now. It seems like it's helping a little bit, but I'm still—and she told me I'm in moderate, I think she said it was moderate depression, which is in between light depression and major depression.
Brian Perez: One more question, Robert. What's your relational support look like right now? Do you have friends around, family around? Are you part of a church?
Robert: I am a member of the Community Church right now. I'm right now in a shell right now. I'm very, very shy. I've had so many people tell me I can't do a lot of things, and I start believing I can't. I can play guitar; I wanted to play in a band. I've had people tell me, "We don't think you're good enough to play in a band." They told me they'd be afraid to put me up against 300 people, and I told them, "Put me up against 25,000 people and we'll rock the place," because I've got no problem playing guitar in front of people. That's another thing which has got me down and depressed is my self-esteem is so low. I think a blade of grass is like the Empire State Building to me.
Brian Perez: And just real quickly, what about family? Parents around, children? Are you married? What does your family life look like?
Robert: I was married for 28 years. My ex-wife, she was narcissistic, and I had one real humdinger of a time with her. I have a daughter who we only see each other on Wednesday nights when I go bowling, but family-wise, I've got no family. They've all rejected me and threw me out of the family.
Brian Perez: Robert, do you struggle with any excessive alcohol use or substances or anything like that?
Robert: No, I don't. I've learned about that a long time ago. God gave me a good—he taught me a lot with that. I don't take no drugs or alcohol. I don't smoke or nothing like that.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: So Robert, what's your understanding just in brief of why your family kicked you out?
Robert: I had my wife, who's narcissistic, and she told me one day—she was doing something and my daughter had an infection in her private area. She wanted me to put medicine on her, which I had no intention really wanting to do, but the key piece I did. She went ahead and told my family I touched my daughter inappropriately, which was a bunch of malarkey where I didn't. I told her, "I did it exactly in front of you," and it didn't make a difference. That's how narcissistic people are; they'll blame you for anything they can.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: So this was in adulthood that this happened? You were already married?
Robert: Yes, I was married for 28 years.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Are you and your daughter good?
Robert: She said she wants a relationship with me, but every time I want to meet her, it's like she comes up with some excuse. I've just given up on it. I'll be honest with you, and I know a lot of people probably going to call in and talk about this, but I'm a soft-hearted father. I gave her money and all the things I bought my daughter. I think I spent about $5,000 on her, and I know I shouldn't have, but I did it anyway just to see if I can get a nice relationship with her.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Clearly, Robert, you've been through a lot of hurt, and people, it sounds like, are teaming up against you in some way in how it's felt to you. It makes me really sad that you have believed so many lies about your worth and that your depression has gotten to the place where you have wanted to be out of your pain. It's quite understandable. Most of us don't like pain and we don't like intense pain, and I don't know one person on the planet that likes rejection. It feels absolutely horrible. But we do know that God put you on this planet; He wants you here. Our job is to do everything we can to help ourselves in this life while we're here. So I'm glad that you are in with doctors. I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist because you need someone who will walk beside you and help you sort through all the difficulties in relationship that you have had. To be able to grieve and be sad, grieve for the feelings that you have had, that you have gotten to such a low place, and to have compassion on you because sometimes when nobody else will give it, we have to give it to ourselves. To be able to see realistically that no one deserves to off themselves because of someone else's perspective or actions, that is not something that others get to decide for you, nor their thoughts. Continuing to work with the therapist, continuing to reject the lies, continuing to grieve the things that you have no control over and that are losses in your life, and then embracing what is true and real and right and good.
Chris Williams: Absolutely. If I could just add on to that, Robert, there is a lot of advances in the medications for psychological conditions, especially depression. There might be a side effect of a weight gain on one particular one, but I want you to stay persistent with your doctor in figuring out the medication that works best for you. One medication for depression may work for one person and another for another, so we have to see what combination works best.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Sometimes in the beginning, you need a stronger medication and some of those do have a side effect of weight gain, but as you start to level off a bit, then you can go to a different type of intervention medically in terms of medication for depression.
Chris Williams: One last thing is I would really, really encourage you to get into a group like a Life Recovery group, even if it's online. Being around other people talking through your struggles, your hurts, and your burdens, and being able to share that with other people relieves it. It especially relieves some lingering shame that can be around feeling rejected, feeling worthless. That low self-esteem that you're experiencing, one of the best mediators for that is healthy relationship.
Brian Perez: Robert, thank you for your phone call today here to New Life Live. Let me also remind you about the suicide hotline. It's 988. It's kind of like 911, but it's 988 for mental health. If you ever feel this way again and we're not here, just call them. In fact, just call them first because they can really help you. We also want to connect you with a Life Recovery group, so stay on the phone. Anyone else, you can find one online at newlife.com or by calling us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. We also want to send you a tip sheet, Robert. It's called "Eight Steps to Breaking Free from Suicidal Thinking." We'll put that information in the show notes as well if you're watching on Facebook or YouTube, and you can call in to order it too. Last but not least, a week from tonight, we are holding a webinar on grief. It's going to be hosted by our very own Dr. Alice Benton and Becky Brown. We're going to send you a registration for that. Anyone else, you can find out about it by texting the word webinar to 28950. God bless you, Robert. Thanks for calling in today. Everyone watching and listening, if you can keep Robert in your prayers. Let's talk to Lori now in Charlottesville, Virginia, watching us on YouTube. Hi there, Lori. Thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. Lori, are you there? Did you press mute on your phone? Okay, so let's see if Lori is still there. In the meantime, let's go to Lindsay in Philadelphia. Are you with us, Lindsay?
Lindsay: Yes, I'm here.
Brian Perez: Hi there. Thank you for listening on WBYN. How can we help you?
Lindsay: Thank you so much for taking my call. I was listening to the grandmother of the six-year-old who they suspect might have ADHD and that was my signal to call. First, I want to encourage that grandmother and the mom of that child to get evaluated.
Chris Williams: Yeah, that was on Tuesday's show.
Lindsay: Even if other people looking in are saying that he seems fine, they don't know what your life is. Only you know what is going on in your home, and any help and clarification you can get is going to be so valuable. So I want to encourage them.
Brian Perez: Are you in a similar situation, Lindsay?
Lindsay: Well, we were. We still are, but we have gotten some clarification after 11 years. We found out last month after a very long process and many years of just figuring trying to figure out what to do, that our daughter does have autism and ADHD. It's been really helpful to have that clarification. We're really, really grateful and it does feel like it fits. But we're also really kind of floundering in terms of now what do we do to help her because there are so many different supports available. It's almost overwhelming to know what she really needs. My big question is, how can we help her with anxiety specifically?
Brian Perez: How does her anxiety manifest itself?
Lindsay: It's mostly with social communication. She often frequently misunderstands others, their tone of voice, what they mean by what they're saying, and she's frequently misunderstood herself. There's a lot of that. She's highly conscientious. She's really passionate about the Bible and mission and language, and she has a really strong desire to do the right thing, to follow rules, to please others. So every time something happens that she feels like there's been some misunderstanding and people are reacting negatively to her, she, especially now with this diagnosis, sees it as being her fault and everything that she's doing is wrong. We go through these conversations multiple times a day where she's worried about disappointing others. She's worried about not living up to God's law. She's agonizing over making her peers mad at her. Often it's something just really small that she's just really agonizing over. Partly what we try to talk about is that all people have a responsibility to work toward understanding each other when they're communicating, so it's not all on her. But we just want to know what can we do to help her. We know about social skills groups and everything, but we just want to help her.
Brian Perez: Well, we are going to head to break here soon, but what I hope to do first, Lindsay, is also provide a little bit more, I love the word clarification, clarity around what's going on in her internal world. So we can guide it into what's more helpful and understand the things that aren't as helpful in the really, really challenging aspect of that sticky anxiety. All right, so Lindsay, stay on the phone. We're going to take our break and then we'll come back to you when we return here on New Life Live. Thank you all for watching and listening today. We'll be right back.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: We are back on New Life Live. I'm Brian Perez, and we're speaking with Lindsay in Philadelphia. Talitha, we see you, don't hang up, we're going to talk to you afterwards. Lindsay, you still with us?
Lindsay: Yes.
Brian Perez: Awesome. All right, so how old did you say your daughter was?
Lindsay: 11.
Brian Perez: So she is 11. Since birth you've been on the search. You knew something was different.
Chris Williams: It's a really challenging situation. I feel like your daughter is aware enough of some of her differences, but she has the social challenges that a person with autism and ADHD has. With all of that said, there does seem to be this thing called scrupulosity. In scrupulosity, what this ultimately does, or sometimes it's called a good-bad split, is that inside of us, we want to feel secure. We want to feel okay and secure in the world. Scrupulosity says if you're bad or make a bad decision or if someone doesn't like you, then you cannot be safe, you cannot be secure. Life then, anxiety is going to start bubbling up and maybe even shoot through the roof. The idea is I have to be good and I have to be right to just be okay.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Then with both these things, it's hard to feel good and right with autism and ADHD. It often lends itself to black and white thinking, and so then they also get really stuck on when they've done something wrong and they can't let it go. It becomes extremely obsessive. I've heard people say you can't even talk them out of it; they have complete meltdowns. Now this may not be your daughter, but she's got the high anxiety. With the ADHD thrown in there, there's a lot of impulsivity too. A lot of times people feel bad about themselves because they're impulsive because they can't keep up. Your daughter has kind of the double whammy there with both of these things. But Chris, I think you're onto something. It's this good-bad split because even people who don't have autism and don't have ADHD say stupid things and misread the room and aren't always 100% right. It sounds like you are trying to give her that perspective, but she can't always receive it from you.
Chris Williams: With that, it's modeling acceptance. It's that, "Hey, this is a real thing." I call it a radical commitment to "is" and being okay with the "is." We don't always have to like it, but as she has these conditions, one of the things that it feels like she's fighting against herself. If there's a way that she can more readily accept it, and part of that too is I think being around other people with a similar condition, being normalized. She doesn't feel alone or odd person out.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Lindsay, that's where you were talking about the social groups and things like that, and also a place to practice. I've known people that use charts and things to practice understanding what maybe someone's reaction might mean and to be aware of if they're misreading. If they're getting a different reaction than they expect, to be able to pause and maybe even ask the other person, "Maybe I'm not understanding where you're at. Explain to me."
Lindsay: We have that conversation frequently too. If you're getting a different reaction, if you're thinking that they're being critical but you wouldn't think that they would be, knowing them, it's exactly what you're saying.
Chris Williams: Then the path for growth for her is greater acceptance. She's 11, so you have to put it in her terms, but the goal here is to be able to not beat yourself up when you do something you deem as wrong or bad, and to be able to love all the sides of you and to love how God made you. She's got some superpowers here with both of these; people are always calling them superpowers now. It's true with both autism and ADHD. Highly creative, able to really focus on the one hand, over-focus in some areas. There is these alternative perceptions and perspectives they have of life in the world around them that are coming wonderful. Often they get trapped inside of themselves, but the more that they have self-acceptance and that they experience others' acceptance, those things get permission to emerge, to show up, and the superpowers then can be enjoyed by themselves and other people.
Brian Perez: Lindsay, thank you for calling in today to New Life Live. We have a book in the newlife.com store; it's called *Understanding and Loving Your Child with ADHD*. We'll put a link to that in the show notes, but stay on the phone if you want to order one from us. Anyone watching or listening right now, you can get that at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. For over 30 years, Covenant Hills has helped men and women find lasting freedom from addiction through Christ-centered, clinically excellent care. With gender-specific programs, they offer residential treatment, day treatment, and ongoing support that heals the whole person: body, mind, and spirit. So if you or someone you love is struggling, call Covenant Hills at 800-NO-ABUSE. That's 800-662-2873. You can also visit the Covenant Hills website, covhills.com. We'll be right back here on New Life Live. Talitha, thank you for your patience. We will get to your call when we come back here on New Life Live. In fact, I'm just going to go over here and lock in Talitha right now. You with us, Talitha?
Talitha: Hey.
Brian Perez: Hey. Stay on the phone, just a couple more minutes. We'll talk to you when we come back here on New Life Live.
Talitha: I appreciate you.
Guest (Male): Every day, we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways. Wouldn't you love to be part of a rescue team? Don't miss your opportunity to be part of something that changes lives every single day because everyone matters. Your generosity helps find them. And you know, we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. "99 for the 1" is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433, or newlife.com/9941. Join the mission. Rescue the one and restore the many. To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: We are so grateful for the people who call in to New Life Live, including some new listeners that we had this week listening for the first time, just happening to come across New Life Live on the radio dial, and they called in and they got the help that they needed. It's because of your generous financial support to this ministry that that happens. Every day, people reach out to New Life; they're in desperation over their life or maybe their marriage is at the breaking point. These situations must change, and because of faithful partners like you, help is there. "99 for the 1" partners are the people who make sure the phone is answered, that New Life Live speaks truth when it's needed most, and that healing resources are ready without delay. When you give monthly, you don't just respond to one moment; you make rescue possible every day. Learn more about becoming a "99 for the 1" giver at newlife.com/9941. Every gift is appreciated and helps. You can make a one-time gift at newlife.com or by texting NLM to 28950 or by calling 800-NEW-LIFE. Now, let's talk to Talitha in Denver, Colorado, who listens to us on the podcast. Hey there, Talitha. Thanks for calling in today.
Talitha: Hey, thank you so much for taking my call.
Brian Perez: Of course. What is going on?
Talitha: Well, I was calling to see, how do you get past a heavy emotional event in your family and forget the family for what they said and did?
Brian Perez: They said something to you or about you, or what happened? When was this?
Talitha: So, long story short, I adopted my nephew who was severely abused by my younger sister and her husband. At two months, he had over 15 broken and fractured bones. He was failure to thrive. I did it because I knew he needed a home and I wanted him to die knowing somebody loved him. They said I only took him because I messed up on my older kids. I was divorced, and so I needed someone to love me. It still hurts even saying it to you now. How do you get past that?
Brian Perez: Now, who are the people saying this? Exactly who are the people saying this about you?
Talitha: My brothers and sisters.
Brian Perez: Are they the same people that abused the children?
Talitha: No, no. That's easy to swallow, hers. It's easier to take it from the abuser because you know their background.
Brian Perez: For sure, but for the others, why do you think they're—I'm trying to figure out what their agenda is here. Were they mad at you for adopting him? What did they want to happen?
Talitha: Yeah, very much so. To send him back into the Department of Human Services in Colorado to be sent to a healthier family.
Brian Perez: Oh, so they felt like someone would have been a better fit than you?
Talitha: Yeah.
Brian Perez: Okay. But what did they do to intervene?
Talitha: So my brother stepped in and hired a lawyer and fought in court for my son at the time before the Department of Human Services saw me as the most reliable parent for him to keep a healthy relationship with his biological parents.
Brian Perez: So your brother wanted him?
Talitha: He did, yeah.
Brian Perez: Okay, now it makes more sense. Helpful information in the story. Wait, what did you say?
Talitha: My brother was adopted also and severely abused by his biological parents also. And so there was that "I can save a child" kind of feel is what I have read up and come to believe what the reaction was. But nobody likes to see a child in that situation, and when the doctor said he was going to die, I just really had no ill intent. I just wanted this baby to know love because he didn't for two months.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, it sounds like your family has its own issues and dysfunction. The sister who is the biological mom, does she have contact with her son?
Talitha: She doesn't because I set up healthy boundaries and she didn't like those healthy boundaries that I set in place. I noticed with her first child that was taken away, those healthy boundaries were not set in place and the child ended up having confused growing up life. I wanted my son to have the most successful way of living that I could set up for him. And one of those was setting up healthy boundaries of when people hurt you, we can say no. That's okay in a healthy, respectful way.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Talitha, do you have a support system? And who would those people be?
Talitha: I really don't, but I am thankful that I have prayer and I love to read about mental health. I have a beautiful friend that has been friends with me for over 30 years, so she is my biggest support.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, that's a support person because I was going to say prayer is good, we want you to pray, reading's good, but you can't be in isolation. Your family doesn't sound safe. I mean, you try to have relationship to the degree that you can have relationship, but there has to be boundaries there. Everyone is upset by what happened in your family and everyone's trying to make sense of it, and it sounds like there's a lot of accusations going in a lot of directions. You've already described your brother's situation, so he wanted to be the rescuer. He has some unresolved issues that he wanted to fulfill. None of us are void of having some of our own issues end up in the mix of our motivation. We just don't let those be the sole motivator. So to be aware, sure, maybe some of what they've said, you can look at that and see, okay, while it's hurtful, what part is true? What's valuable for you to reflect on? But also then you know what your motivation has been and what you are putting at the forefront. So then you need other people outside of your family even to be your support system, like this friend. And you probably need more than one friend to come alongside you in raising this child. Talitha, are you married?
Talitha: No ma'am, I'm divorced, which was another thing that the family had that was against me. So I definitely have my faults.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: And yet the courts deemed you the most adequate parent.
Chris Williams: It sounds like there is a tremendous amount of what is unsafe, also tremendously unhealthy. My best direction for you is, Talitha, I want you to get into your own therapeutic work. Getting into therapy, especially with a therapist who understands trauma and trauma in family systems, is really important. Because what that will do is before you look at what it means to reconcile, you have to know what healthy relationship looks like first to know what you're reconciling or, unfortunately, what may at times be irreconcilable. Meaning like, hey, I may put expectations on other people that they are simply unable to meet. And so those expectations, all they do is hurt me and cause resentment towards other people. So when we get into that deeper work and we understand the system of abuse and trauma and how it infects relationships and how it actually forms relationships—or shall I say deforms relationships—then we get the clarity around what healthy relationship and what can I do before I jump into trying to reconcile what may be irreconcilable at the moment. One of my terms in all of this is "the devil's in the details," but if the devil's in the details, so is God, so you've got to get in the details. That's where a lot of this will come up. Because if someone's speaking for your motivation for you and then using something like this against you, there is a lot of details in there. One, it's an unhealthy and very damaging relational behavior, but there's a lot of things in there.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right. And it may be that there needs to be repair between you and your brother, and maybe letting him know you're sorry that he didn't get picked and that you would love for him to be an uncle that could speak into this child's life.
Chris Williams: But we've got to see if it's safe first. Safe and healthy first, that's down the road.
Brian Perez: Talitha, we're going to find one of our counselors in our network to help you, so stay on the phone. Really quick question because we're going to break. How's your little boy doing now?
Talitha: Oh, he's so squishy. He's five now. The adoption's done, and it's a beautiful story. Thank you for asking.
Brian Perez: Yeah, we're going to ask our viewers and listeners to pray for you and your little boy and the situation that it'll get resolved in the best possible way. We will be right back here on New Life Live.
Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: We are back on New Life Live. I'm Brian Perez, and we're speaking with Jill Hubbard and Chris Williams. Go to our website, newlife.com. Always something going on, not just the show that we do here on the radio and the YouTube, Facebook, podcast. But we've got webinars, we've got online courses, we've got so much going on. Something new we're doing is an online gathering for women who have experienced betrayal. It's called Rescue Your First Step Toward Healing. You can get all the details about it at newlife.com. It's a one-day, August 1st, from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. Central Time. The early bird rate ends next Friday, so sign up for it today. Again, it's called Rescue Your First Step Toward Healing. That is for women. And then tomorrow is the last day for the early bird rate for the Intimacy and Marriage workshop. Like the thousands who have attended before, you will discover that you can have a different marriage. Change is possible. You can get all the details at newlife.com. The thing about our intensives, whether it's Intimacy and Marriage or Every Man's Battle or Restore, we shouldn't call them intensives, we should call them "intenzives" because they are just like off the charts and you will get the help that you need. You can find out all about them, upcoming dates and locations, on our website, newlife.com. Something else we have on our website is newlife.com/radio, and that gives you the details on how to call in to our show, how to leave us a voicemail, or how to send us an email. So we're going to read one of those emails right now. It is from Candace, and her main question is: "How do I get my family to acknowledge my difficulties living with a husband who has ADD? We've been married for over 50 years. I was not aware of my husband's struggles until after we got married. The final straw was when he emptied our savings account and deposited 14k into a Bitcoin machine as part of a scam. My sisters brush me off and tell me to choose my battles or that it's all a part of aging. I feel so lost, alone, and hopeless in this ongoing, never-ending battle." So, how do we help Candace? What she wants to know is, how do I get my family to acknowledge this? Will it be possible for the family to acknowledge it?
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, I'm wondering why that's her main need and question. A lot of money drained and I don't think acknowledgment from your family's going to help that. Why is she looking to them to in a sense validate her feelings? I think seeking some help, perhaps some marital help with her husband. If it sounds like she didn't realize he was ADD, I don't know when she said he was diagnosed, but is he in any treatment for that? What responsibility does he take for any of his impulsive behavior?
Chris Williams: I'm so sorry, though. There's too many disconnects here for me because it would be way easy to blame taking what—$14,000? How much was it? 14k. 14,000 and putting it out of an account and putting it into Bitcoin. That's beyond impulsive because that takes intentionality, that takes planning, that takes research.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: And is he just ADHD, or is there some bipolar here?
Chris Williams: Well, that's my point. It's like this is dangerous because when we ascribe the wrong problem to the problem, we will never get the right solution. Discounting this behavior towards ADHD is insulting to ADHD. But most importantly here is that there is a financially dangerous and damaging decision here that needs clear boundaries around. This is much more of a marital issue than it is a familial issue.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: I don't understand that at all and that the family's minimizing it.
Chris Williams: And I get her position of just like she may be feeling like she's crazy because everyone else is telling her to just quote-unquote deal with it, and she's probably looking to draw strength from them to make a better decision, set a boundary, or go in a particular direction. And so what I would say is they're not going to be the providers of that strength that you need, but you do need that strength. The intention of wanting their acknowledgment I think is right and good, other than the fact that they're not going to do it. It doesn't reflect reality. And so getting them to acknowledge it is like getting your husband to stop doing this. You've got to do something yourself. Going back to the book *Take Your Life Back*, you've got to set boundaries, you've got to have hard conversations. There's something going on in the marriage here in his decision-making that's putting you at compromise that needs to be addressed.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right. And some of the boundaries may be that she has to safeguard their accounts because he's been proven untrustworthy, so they don't lose everything. You have to stop the bleeding first.
Chris Williams: I'm not saying ADD isn't a part of it, but it's not it. There's something else going on inside of him, what I would call a desperate energy. And the reason I can say that is desperate decisions are usually driven by desperate energy. What is his fears? What are his concerns? What is he looking at some sort of financial windfall as a rescuer for what in his life? And those are the things that need to be addressed. If you address the ADHD, you don't get to the actual problem.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right. And the fact that the family is saying pick and choose your battles. What other battles has—I mean, if this one is one that you're picking and choosing and not picking, what other things has he done that are of perhaps greater magnitude?
Chris Williams: That's a really, really good point, Jill. Because that goes back to she needs to take further action to protect herself against dangerous and unsafe relational behavior.
Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right. And she also mentioned that her family said, "Well, it's just part of aging." So what is going on in his cognitive abilities and what stage of life are they in?
Brian Perez: So Candace, we have a lot more questions. Do you think you could call in? And who knows, there might be an abundance of financial resources where they're saying 14,000 is not that big of a deal. All of that can be true, but there is something about where you're experiencing this challenge that people aren't acknowledging it. And you're needing support. And I would say it may not come from your family or extended family; you may need to seek that support other places. That's the thing we don't like to hear because we want to be able to go to our family for support for: "Hey, husband just drained $14,000 into this Bitcoin scam." And there's so many scams; maybe he's fallen for other scams before and that's why the family is saying it's all a part of aging. Sadly, the older population does fall for these things, and we hear about that all the time and it's horrible. And she wants a little empathy too, which is all healthy and good. Yeah, that is a good desire. So maybe we can connect you with a counselor in your area who can help you not just with these situations, but others. Finding out what it is that your husband might be doing because if the family said to choose your battles, there might be other things going on here, some underlying things, some things they know about that have happened and who knows. But we can help you here at New Life. You can go to newlife.com to find a therapist or counselor in your area. There's also some online support that you can look for. So newlife.com or call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. And of course, you can call in to the studio when we are here. We're here several times a week and you can get our schedule online on that page, newlife.com/radio. Shows you the number to call us here in the studio, or our email address is there, so is a separate number that we have for you to leave a voicemail. But that's all the time we have on today's episode of New Life Live. Thanks for joining us. For Dr. Jill Hubbard and Chris Williams, I'm Brian Perez and we'll see you next time here on New Life Live.
Guest (Male): Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.